Let's get even ;)

Warning : The content of this article is NOT to be taken seriously. I'm writing for parody purposes ONLY. If I were so narrow-minded and racist, I would have stayed in my "wonderful" (...) country. So I hope nobody will get offended.

Brief definition

Ireland is very nice with its verdant hills and mountains, and it strives to attract tourists, who could have turned to England. It's also a very sunny country, which explains the skin colour of its inhabitants : see-through white. Warning : The red skin colour proudly sported by some of them is not due to the climate but rather to beer.

People

The inahbitants of Ireland live on clover. This unique feature is risky since excessive consumption of clover can lead to orange-ification of the hair. The Irish are very small and like the nature. They spend their days walking around gardens and fighting against weed killers. Sometimes, mean landscape gardeners turn them into stones in revenge and force them to wear stupid hats and to hold rakes, barrows or flower pots.

The unlucky guys are then subjected to the acidic attacks of the gardeners' dogs peeing on them...

The Irish are world-renowned for their ability to gulp down liters and liters of beer in record time. This is a nice alternative to suicide in such a rainy and cold country. The Irish drunkard always stays friendly and joyful, contrary to his French counterpart who is rather depressive and aggressive. It's also interesting to see how impervious to cold weather Irish women are. They can go out at 2am wearing bustier dresses in the middle of the winter, with no coat nor tights, while ordinary people are freezing under 3 jumpers.

Language

An old language called Gaelic still exists in Ireland. This language has been recognized as an incomprehensible dialect by the UNESCO since...since it exists, as well as the Breton for example. But since nobody understands it, English is preferably used in the everyday life. However, to differenciate a bit from the British, the Irish use specific expressions. Here is a glimpse of these lovely phrases, with their translation into English :

• Feckin' bastard : My dear friend
• Feck off : I hope to see you again
• Póg mo thóin : What about your family?

Source : http://desencyclopedie.wikia.com/wiki/Irlande

Let's self-flagellate!

Brief definition

France is the country of moaning, strikes, camembert and dogs poo. Its inhabitants, the French, spend their time complaining about their pathetic country in economic crisis but describe it as the most wonderful place ever if a foreigner asks them how it is.

People

Every morning, the French man goes for a ride with his bicycle and a baguette on the carrier, a striped jumper and a beret on his head. French women are all easy and pretty as everyone knows.

Paris is the only French city. You can ask the Parisians, they will confirm it. When the weather forecasts announce a nice weather in France, it means that the sun will shine in Paris, even if it's raining cats and dogs everywhere else in the country. The rest of France is villages, burgs, hamlets, crossroads, holes, that are generally speaking called the provinces. The primitive tribes from the provinces are living under the poverty line, can't read nor write and speak incomprehensible dialects called "patois". These tribes are very different from one another. There are alcoholic tribes, like the Breton and the Norman, but also idle tribes, like in Provence for example. There is also the unemployed tribe (in the North of France), the Boche in Alsace and the pro-independence tribes like people from Corsica and the Basque, who can't bear invaders - that is to say everyone who is not from the region.

CLICK TO ENLARGE

Culture

France is also the country of gastronomy, and especially of cheese. It is the biggest cheese producer and consumer, with approximately 1 987 234 576 299 different sorts, either hard like stones or soft and runny, all stinky. The nuclear accident in Chernobyl was in fact caused by a technician who let his extra-strong Munster cheese sandwich fall in a reactor.

Major French inventions :

• Strike
• Revolution
• the 35h working week
• Guillotine
• Quebec

Source : http://desencyclopedie.wikia.com/wiki/France

I found this website during a sleepness night and I spent 1h laughing alone in front of my computer, thinking that I HAD TO translate it for this blog. An English version exists, but I've read it and it's less funny.

Next time, I'll look into Ireland's case ;)

Cooking out

For most young people, cooking is part of household chores. For me it's a pleasure, even if in the everyday life, when I go back home late and tired, I don't feel like making any effort. But generally speaking, I really enjoy cooking, and almost everything I eat is home-made. In fact I don't trust industrial food at all, maybe that's why I started to make by myself everything I'm able to cook. Don't worry, I'm not obsessive enough to milk my own cow and then make my own cheese, what I mean is that I never eat ready-cooked meals.

Cooking is a very relaxing activity for me, and I like the creativity it allows. Sometimes I don't feel like eating but I cook all the same, just for the pleasure of creating something good. For me, being a good cook has nothing to do with the sophistication of the dishes. It's rather about being able to turn your cravings into something good, without being dependent on an existing recipe. So according to MY conception of cooking, I'm a good cook, and everyone can be a good cook...which doesn't mean that I never mess up (far from that) or that I never use existing recipes. I pick ideas here and there and I adapt them to my tastes and to the content of my fridge.

What I enjoy cooking above all is desserts, and especially cheesecakes and muffins. Not exactly typically French, I know. But I also love making "flans pâtissiers" (custard tarts) and this is French! I bake cakes at least twice a week because that's always what I eat for breakfast.

Last year, in France, I had a tradition with my friends that I nicknamed "the muffin Tuesday". Every Tuesday, I brought them a new sort of muffins, and they acted as critics to help me improve. I really miss this ritual...

This is not my picture but it perfectly illustrates why I love custard tarts so much : childhood memories, nostalgia.

I didn't try to cook Irish specialties yet, but I'd like to. For the moment, I just customized my recipes to make them look a bit Irish : cheddar in my makis, Bailey's in my banana bread.

I've been a bit too severe with Irish gastronomy in one of my previous articles if I remember well. The problem with me is that I don't like meat. So Irish stew makes me shiver for example. Same problem for the full Irish breakfast, with sausages, bacon... God... But the same goes for lots of French specialties. Boeuf bourguignon, blanquette, langue de boeuf sauce piquante... Yuk-yuk!

HOWEVER there are at least 3 Irish specialties that I really like : tea brack, Bailey's coffees and soda bread. So I take back what I said about the inability of Irish people to make good bread. I love your soda bread. But your baguettes suck! I won't try to make my own soda bread, but I think I will try to bake tea brack, it seems quite simple according to the recipes I've read :

Ingredients

• 300 ml cold tea
• 4 tsp Irish whiskey
• 110 g sultanas
• 220 g currants or raisins
• 55 g chopped glacé cherries
• 55 g chopped mixed candied peel
• 200 g brown sugar
• 225 g self-raising flour
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1 tsp ground nutmeg
• honey, for glazing (optional)

Method

1. Place the cold tea and whiskey in a bowl. Add in the sultanas, currants, glace cherries and mixed peel. Cover and set aside to soak overnight.

2. Preheat the oven to 180°C/gas 4.

3. In a mixing bowl, mix together the sugar, self-raising flour, beaten egg, nutmeg and soaked fruit, with its soaking liquid until well-mixed.

4. Transfer the mixture to a well-oiled loaf tin.

5. Bake for 1 hour, 30 minutes until risen and set.

6. Remove from the oven and cool for 10 minutes in its tin, then turn out and cool on a wire rack. Glaze with honey if required.

7. Serve in slices with butter and store in an airtight tin.

Source : http://uktv.co.uk/food/recipe/aid/514212

If I make it, I will post a picture! I have to warn you that it may be a Hello Kitty tea brack, because I received a Hello Kitty tin for Christmas and since then, I adopted a HelloKitty-shaped food diet...

My first HelloKitty cake. A speculoos rice cake.

To be continued...